Approach to a Difficult Conversation – Part 2

 

This post is the second part to the original post of Approach to a Difficult Conversation – Part 1.

Once you have determined the method of this conversation (see previous blog post) the message is the next thing to consider.

Message

The message is comprised of your body language, tone of speech and vocabulary. All three are part of your message. The recipient will be listening to your verbal and watching your non-verbal communication. Remember non-verbal communication says more than verbal. It’s important that the verbal and non-verbal convey the same message.

Body Language 

How you present yourself physically matters. A firm handshake, good eye contact and steady tone of voice will start your conversation off on a positive note. Avoid crossing your arms. Keep an open posture. You want to convey that you care about the person and are there to work through the situation. The recipient needs to feel they matter and are being listened to.

Tone of Speech 

The tone you use to deliver the message should be your normal speaking tone. The pace you speak should be your normal cadence as well. No need to speak loudly or speak too softly. The recipient should feel this is a normal conversation between the two of you.

Vocabulary

Your word choice should be one the recipient is able to understand. Be careful to avoid words that come across as to snobby or words that are patronizing. Being honest in your message and forthright is the best. No need to puff up the message or water it down.  You’ll be respectful if you are polite and direct with your message.

Choosing the right method and presenting the message respectfully will be huge in having a successful conversation. This will show the other person you were thoughtful in your approach. They may have a difficult time with the message being shared, but they’ll feel listened to when you deliver the message considerately. There maybe more conversations to follow because of the message, but you will be looked upon favorably because of the courage you displayed in initiating.

What method do you find affective with people?

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Approach to a Difficult Conversation – Part 1

Difficult conversations, we have them throughout our lives and many of them. Sometimes we start the conversation and other times we are on the receiving end. These conversations we’d really rather avoid, yet we know they are necessary. It takes courage to start these conversations.

The difficult conversations can happen in our work life or our personal life. These are opportunities for us to grow personally and professionally. Making it through a tough conversation can draw us closer personally or help us meet our goals professionally. This is all good. The hard part is beginning the conversation.

There are two factors to consider when you are initiating these conversations: the method and the message.

The Method

The method is all about the environment and the timing of the delivery. The better you know the person the easier the method will be. Choosing where to have this conversation sets the tone. Knowing what time of day this person is at the top of their game is best. You don’t want to catch him when he’s exhausted from a long day or starving and irritable.

Environment

First question to ask yourself is what level of privacy is necessary. Should this conversation be behind closed doors or could this just be a private conversation over a cup of coffee. Talking outside the office is neutral ground and could be a better choice than an office. Both are good choices.

Timing

Consider the other person and when they are at their best. Are they a morning person or an afternoon person? Approach them when they are most receptive. Be sure to take the day of the week into consideration as well. Choose a day without many meetings and when the workload is not overwhelming. A Monday is probably not a good day to have this conversation. Avoid a week where the deadlines are heavy. Be careful of the time of day. Avoid the lunch hours.  People who are hungry are irritable. A full stomach puts a person in a better frame of mind.

Come back next week to read about the message.

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A Word to Remove from My Vocabulary

I’ve decided to remove a word from my vocabulary. There are multiple ways to say this word that are much more affective. I only need to give a few moments of thought before I speak to get the same message across.

I’ve started experimenting with not using this word. It wasn’t easy at first because after all habits are hard to break. I still have to work on this and to some extent I probably always will.

And the word is…..

The word I’m eliminating is ‘no’. I found the moment I said that word I was shut out from explaining anything more to the person I was speaking to. It’s like an automatic wall was erected with sound barriers. They would hear ‘no’ and then turn off their hearing.

Now that I’m using different wording I’m being received in a much more positive way. Sometimes I make an observation. Sometimes I suggest a different solution. Sometimes I point out a different approach. All of my responses convey ‘no’ in a different way.

Takes Courage

It is difficult to say ‘no’ when asked to do something. Often when I’m asked I let the person know I’ll consider their request and get back to them. I’ve learned to never respond to someone the same day. Taking time to sleep on the request is always best. Often times I can’t see the whole picture in the moment I’m asked.

Talking over the request with others has always been helpful. Another person can point out something that I’m not able to see. Just knowing that information is valuable in considering my response. They help me see the big picture.

Delivering the same message a different way.

My decision to remove ‘no’ from my vocabulary has been quite affective. I am able to give the negative reply in a different way and be received positively. I’m turning a negative into a positive. This has been a good word to remove from my vocabulary.

Have you eliminated any words from your vocabulary? What were they?

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Let’s Play: Follow The Leader

Let’s play follow the leader!

When I grew up Follow The Leader was one of the many neighborhood games I played. The Leader spot (first in line) was the most fun. I loved being the leader and having my friends follow me. I’d try some strange moves to see if they would actually do them. I felt powerful as the leader because I got to decide what crazy thing we were all going to do.

There’s an important aspect to that game – you can only be the leader if you have followers.

The first lesson I learned playing that game was that I needed to follow. It was important for me to learn the rules of the game and the best way to do that was to participate. I’d follow different bigger kids and learn their leadership style. Only then could I develop my own. Experience is key here.

I soon realized there were kids I liked to follow and others I did not. The kids I like to follow were those that took into consideration their followers. If we had a kid following who was not as skilled as the others and the leader did something purposefully knowing the follower couldn’t do it and used this as an opportunity to bully then I was out. No following that leader again.

The kind of leader I liked to follow was one who was challenging, who made it interesting, who was creative. I also liked a leader to look back at us followers to see how we were doing and then decided the next challenged based on our abilities.

The leader’s attitude played a big role as well. Being positive and encouraging was huge. Knowing the leader was caring about us followers also huge.

When my turn came to be leader in the game I tried to lead this way. I looked back at my followers and if there was a little kid in the group then I tried to do movements that even he could do. It was important to me to make sure that even the little kid was able to participate.

Life lessons were being learned during Follow the Leader. Who would have thought!

What type of leader did you like to follow?

 

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Communication : Body Odor

“Sandy has a body odor problem and you need to tell her.”

Those were the words Nancy said to me as she sat across from me in my office. I looked at the Nancy and said, “But you are her closest friend in the unit. That kind of message is received best from a close friend.”

That began a conversation in which Nancy tells me about a problem and expects me to fix it because it is my “responsibility” as the supervisor to address these types of issues.

Welcome to Supervising 101 – the stuff they don’t teach you in college. The real life issues that happen when a group of people work and sit closely to one another all day long.

Nancy walked out of my office and I just sat there. I definitely needed to sleep on this one and think this through. First thing I did was put myself in Sandy’s position and think about how I would want to receive a message like that.

Changing my perspective really helped me figure out how to handle this. Most importantly I wanted to respect Sandy’s privacy on this and not draw attention to her when I spoke with her. I also didn’t want to blow this up into some big issue so no calling her into my office to discuss this. Timing was going to be important. I decided short and sweet would be my approach (cause that’s how I’d prefer to hear something like that).

I started watching for an opportunity when Sandy was alone and no others were watching or within hearing distance. It took a couple days, but eventually the perfect time arrived. Sandy happened to be moving a bit slower than the others to get to lunch. I walked over to where she was and got close to her to speak softly. I told her I wanted to bring something to her attention that I noticed. I mentioned there were days when her body odor was a bit strong. She looked at me with shocked eyes. She said she had no idea. I said I thought she might not realize it. She said she would take care of it. I said that would be a really good thing. Then I walked away casually.

The next day at lunch I noticed Sandy went to the restroom and freshened up. This was a behavior she adopted from that day forward. She solved her own problem without me making suggestions. There was no more body odor problem after that. I never had to talk with her about that issue again.

 

What I learned from this experience:

1. Sometimes the people who should be telling others about these types of things just won’t step up and do it.
2. When I’m responsible for a group of people, whether  supervising, managing or whatever level I am going to have to handle difficult situations. It comes with the territory. No getting around it. I will need courage to face these situations.
3. Sleeping on it for a night is wise strategy. I find after I sleep on it a new thought or rather better thought comes to mind.
4. Thinking through a situation from the perspective of the person receiving the news is crucial to it being successful.
5. Handling the situation in a timely manner is important. No need to drag it out for a weeks.
6. Being respectful really helps the person to be responsive to what I’m saying.
7. Regarding personal issues like this it’s important not to make it a big deal.
8. Sometimes people are totally unaware of the problem and caught off guard when spoken to.
9. People need to be spoken to honestly and given a chance to handle it on their own.
10. I did not need to tell Sandy how to solve the problem. She figured it out all by herself.

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